Music Festival Dos and Don'ts

As promised...Festival Dos and Don'ts by Demetri Martin (that's music festival people...Warped Tour, Weenie Roast, Lollapalooza, etc.) Spin May 2007 issue (I'm just trying to avoid being sued)

1. Master the fine art of Squirreling: Overeat grotesquely in the days before the festival, like a squirrel loadin up for the winter. That way you won't havve to scarf so many $16 gyros once you get there.

2. Don't fight anyone who has more tattoos than you: If two people are fighting the one with the most tattoos usually wins. The exception to this rule is junkies. With junkies, the rule flips. The junkie with fewer tattoos is probably slightly stronger, so bet on him. Also, if someone has a face tattoo, be cool, and do not touch it - unless he commands you to.

3. Bring and throw a beach ball: Music sounds way better when you get clocked in the back of the head with a giant plastic projectile. Plus, the spinning colors look pretty to people who are tripping. It's nice to give a little something back.

4. Don't accept Jesuses: Guys who look like Jesus tend to smell bad. You will find lots of these at summer music festivals, sometimes onstage. Keep a safe distance from any fake Jesus or desciple-looking guy, unless you run out of weed.

5. Establish a radius: Though fiscally sound, camping out amid strangers invites obvious risks. Try to keep a three-foot perimeter around you when sleeping in order to prevent any unauthorized spooning and/or dry humping. Those $16 gyros will certainly make people keep their distance. Also, be sure to look like a living thing when you're sleeping. Someone will be less likely to step on your head.

6. Don't bro down: You should neither associate with anyone who calls people "bro" nor acknowledge anyone who calls you that. Beer will only make these broffenderes worse as the day goes on.

7. But a lot of merch: There is no better place to shop than at a music festival. Everything costs three to seven times what it normally does. Plus, you have no place to put it. Awesome. Buying things you don't need and then carrying them around with you all day is a perfect way to celebrate mindless consumerism, especially if you don't understand things like irony or sarcasm.

8. Don't underestimate the sun: If a fellow festival-goer is happy despite having skin the color of Jack White's pants circa 2003, that means he or she is either drunk or high. So it's probably easier to make out with that person. Just sayin'. Protect yourself with high-SPF sunblock or, failing that, the ranch dipping sauce that came with your chicken fingers.

9. Brings someone pale and/or fancy: Metrosexuals and goths are both poorly equipped for festival life and therefore can be an entertaining addition to any group. Lonley, high-maintenance people + crowded outdoor areas = funny. Wagering on the onset of heastroke is a good way to pass the downtime between bands.

10. Don't stand behind the dick wearing the sombrero: Unless he's playing in a mariachi band on the second stage, no one should attend a concert or a movie or anything wearing a hat that big and stupid. That said, you can use this person as a landmark: "We're ten feet behind the guy with the sombrero."

11. Plan for the porta-potty: Get into the line when you don't have to go, because by the time you get to the front, you will. Once you're inside, apply a binder clip or $40 T-shirt over your nose and try to think about other things, like a meadow or a rain forest, or clouds made out of cotton candy.

12. Don't catch on fire: This will ruin the festival for you. If you catch on efire at any point, stop, drop, and roll. Also, make those devil horns with your hands. It will look as if you're rocking out and ultimately, you will appear pretty cool, evevn while burning.

13. Show your appreciation: People used to hoist lighters at concerts when they liked a song. Now it's cell phones. If you really like a song, go the extra mile by lighting your cell phone on fire and holding it aloft.

14. Don't join a drum circle: Avoid, avoid, avoid the drum circle-we're looking at you, Bonnaroo. Scientists, in two independent studies, recently proved that the drum circle is the most annoying shape civilization has ever produced.

There you have it - hope it brought a tear to your eye, or lots of 'em