Lessons

Lesson of the day...do not get a painful piercing in your ear if the majority of your job requires you to wear a headset. Unpleasant. Now I look like a dork because I have the headset all crooked on my head to keep them off my left ear. And I can barely hear because I'm only hearing half the volume I should be. I guess that's where being rash will get you.

Ouch.

I F.U.B.A.R.ed...

So I left work early (as previous blog explains) sped (at the speed limit of course) over to the house, ran in, washed my dishes, gathered all my things together, pet the dog, and went to put my things in the Jeep. On my way back to the door I was planning on going to get the mail and then doing one last sweep of the house. I got to the door, turned the handle, and nothing happened. That was when I remembered the owner saying "the doors lock behind you, so make sure you have a key," closely followed by her saying "this is my only house key." That would be the key sitting on the kitchen counter, now locked inside. I tried every window, every door, looked under every flower pot (just in case she forgot a key she'd hidden) all to no avail. My Jeep keys were inside, as was my cell phone, so I was left with nothing to do but sit on her front walk and get a suntan until she came home. Thank the Lord she had caught an early flight and instead of getting home at 8 she got home around 6.



But who brings her home...our boss from work (who she had gone on the business trip with). So now I have her and the owner of the company I work for wondering why I'm sitting outside pouting. To top of the cake...she had to cause her cheating husband who she's in the middle of a divorce with to come give her an extra key. I felt horrible. And to show what kind of a person the house owner is, she still paid me today (even though I insisted against it) and said we're going out to lunch. Unbelievable.



I'm on the phone with the bank right now trying to figure out why they insist upon taking money away from me for no reason. I guess my account number got put into a pot of who they were going to screw with this month. I got drawn. They decided not to pay my insurance for the month and then charge me the most random of $12. I have a feeling I'm going to lose on this one and the bank is gonna win. Stupid bank. I'll have to finish this blog later so I can include the dramatic outcome.

I WON!!!!!! Score one for me! I won and the bank is crediting me the fee. Now as a warning to all you unsuspecting people out there (or all 2.5 of you who read this). What happened was two restaurants I've been to (Quiznos and Grouchos) held more than what they were actually charging me, double to be exact. So until the payment cleared, they were holding twice what I had written in my check register. So in the meantime, while they're holding that, another check comes in and bounces because two restaurants are holding more than their share of my money. Crappy huh! I don't see how that's legal, but the bank man assures me it is. So there is the dramatic conclusion to my bank story. Join me tomorrow as I take on Verizon to have my account adjusted...

Not just random ramblings...

I just wanted to say, in case anyone was wondering, that these blogs are not totally random ramblings. I actually started this blog off two other ways and erased it, so I do put some thought and concern into what I'm writing...some.

I'm so over talking for the day. So if you see me on the street, don't talk to me. Maybe you could just make hand signals at me, or write stuff down and then let me read it. Whatever, so long as I don't have to talk back to you.


I woke up this morning at 6:45 to a chihuahua barking in my ear. I don't even have a chihuahua. Now while I'd like to leave you pondering and trying to sort that one out, I'll tell you I was dog/house sitting. So the dog slept on the bed too, and I kept waking up wondering where it was because I couldn't find it. I was too sleepy to really care and just went back to sleep. When the alarm finally went off and I still couldn't find the dog I got a little concerned. Then I lifted up this gigantic pillow and found the dog curled up under it. It was like finding a bug under a rock. She's lucky I didn't roll over onto the pillow.

The neighborhood reminded me of Arcadia (if you don't know I'm not explaining). Putting a pink flamingo in the front yard would have been grounds for execution, which of course made me want to do it. All the mailboxes were the same. Comformity is the rule. Boring. But beautiful, it evened out. My Jeep got to park in a garage for the first time ever. It felt special.

I'm leaving early today because the thing happened that I knew was going to happen...I didn't clean everything up this morning because the house owner wasn't supposed to be home until late. Then she called and said she got an earlier flight. So now I have to rush back to the house to try and beat her. There's not a huge mess or anything, just not the way I wanted to leave it. Plus my stuff is still strewn all about the house. I told myself this morning that this would happen, but then I ignored myself and left the house.

I don't see how people with long nails can type. My nails are not that long right now, and it's hurting the tips of my fingers because my nails are hitting the keys. It's an unpleasant feeling. So I'll have to do some clipping later so it is only flesh hitting the keys. I'll forget, and I'll be in this same predicament tomorrow. Wait and see...

Melissa and I are going to a Tiger Army show in Las Vegas, it was a last minute add. It's their only headlining show all summer and it's their record release show. We figure the chances of someone from AFI showing up to support them is good...and we should lend our support as well. Because we will make such a difference. We've been trying to hunt down some Tiger Army cds, but thus far, no luck. We'll just be the dopes standing around rocking out but not singing because we don't know the words. Yeah, that'll be us. I don't think that was a festival no no. As long as we don't catch on fire or touch someone's facial tattoos. Anyway, Nick 13 is a little scary on stage, but he looks pure nervous in interviews (I checked). I wouldn't touch any of his tattoos, unless he commanded me to.

I'm starting a creative writing class in my summer semester. I wonder if I can just submit my blog as an assigment. It's creative...in a way...and writing...of sorts.

I've traded dizzyness for headaches. I liked the dizzyness better. I want to trade back.

You think gas prices are bad?

I couldn't figure out why my lunch bill today was so freakin' high...and then I realized the drinks cost $2.10. How does that happen?! There is no cause for that. If I'd known that I'd have had water, or about seven more classes of diet coke. If a drink is costing that much it'd better have alcohol in it! And your darn right I'm taking a to go cup. Cheap bums. Of course, the to go cup is a quarter of the size of the restaurant's cup. I swear...no, really...I did. haha

Where in the world am I?

Apparently I've got myself in the wrong time zone...I'm not writing these things at 8:00 in the morning. I'm still rushing around trying to get ready for work so that I can still have to do 80 down the interstate to get to work on time. I just didn't want anyone thinking I was an early bird and getting the wrong idea about me...

Oh wow

It's going to be a happy day because I started it off with a diet sunkist. It's scientifically proven, it will now be a great sunshiney day. Of course I thought the same thing last week when I started the day out with Arizona iced tea...WRONG! The day quickly went to hell in a handbasket. So boo hiss (that makes sense if you're a temptation, which makes sense if you work at TJG) to Arizona and diet sunkist is off the hizzie (also, gotta be a temptation).

I didn't commit any crimes (or sins mom) at graduation. I managed to make it through the entire thing without even thinking about strangling someone, except myself maybe, out of boredom. Graduations are punishments, not celebrations. Don't ever let anyone tell you any different. If they try, they're lying, and probably the president of the college. Our president stood there and said 'we don't have a speaker because no one remembers them and this is your night blah blah blah' and then goes on to blab for another ten minutes about stuff no one is going to remember...see, I only remember the first fifteen words or so up until the blah blah blah part, I don't think he actually said that. Could have though, I was worlds away.

I caught your attention with my title didn't I...there's nothing oh-ish or wow-ish about this blog though, it was a dirty trick.

Now it's May 16th...and I can even tell you within the same blog if the sunkist worked...it did! I had a happy day. I started this morning off with a helping of fruitloops and then cranky old deaf man. Complete jerk, I nearly had to reach through the phone and slap him. He did make me mad enough for me to slam my fist down onto my desk, just as Pam was walking by. Sorry Pam for my burst of rage. As I told Lori, he was "deaf and an ass." We had lunch at the Tavern though and I had a veggie burger...yummy! The funny thing was I asked for a salad as my side and unbeknownst (it's spelled right! leave me alone) to me the salad had ham and bacon in it. I ate it, and then my veggie burger. I also asked for no tomato on the burger, but requested ketchup. I like to be a contradiction. You would have thought after I ordered the veggie burger that the waitress would clue me in on the condition of the salad, she could have caused a huge stink.

AFI is back in the states, which is cool! Poor Davey apparently managed to sprain his ankle and chip his tooth over in Europe. Impressive is what that is. I hope he has a better story to explain his chipped tooth than I have for my tooth, because mine just makes me look like a dope. If he chipped it on a glass, or the microphone (which is my guess haha) then his story ranks right there with mine. I'll just say that I didn't chip mine on a mic.

Another survey funny...I had this guy (old cranky man...noticing a theme to my day?) who started off telling me to hurry. It's always the ones who tell you to hurry who give you the longest drawn out answers, and this guy did not disappoint. But what was unique about him...he'd launch into a long explanation/answer and at the end of it he'd go "would you get on with it." This are the people who make me want to (excuse me) yell "what the hell?!?!?!" and then slap them.

Oh look, the farmer' s market is open downtown. Well you can't look, just take my word for it. Too bad I'm stuck in this office, at this desk, in front of this computer, just watching the non-working world go by. Pam and Lynsey wanted to go to CVS to get candy. So when we're at the counter the woman is like "oh, are you all on break? how are things going where you work? is it a slow day?" I wanted to tell her we were working, we were undercover shoppers and we were getting ready to steal a pocketbag full of $8 pens. Lynsey wanted to tell her we worked for Willy Wonka and were taking all the other candy away to give Willy a CVS monopoly. Pam voted for something along the lines of buying their candy to re-sell in our own candy store. Yeah, we were bored and the CVS lady was on the verge of creepy, definitely beyond the realm of nosey.

And I shall leave you with a funny answering machine message: "I'm probably not answering the phone because I'm asleep, or I left it somewhere and I don't know where. I don't really know why I'm not talking to you, but if you leave a message I might call you back." WEIRDO (for LFER)

Is anyone there?

So I'm starting to get the feeling that I'm writing to myself. Which, mind you, is perfectly fine with me. Don't underestimate my ability and willingness to talk to myself for pages and pages.

I graduate tonight. At rehersal yesterday I wanted to put an end to the woman I was forced to sit next to. Crappy luck of the draw, or crappy alphabet, whichever. She made it out of there alive, but I make no promises about tonight. Anyone attending might get a little more of a show than they bargained for when I use her tassle to strangle her. If I can't get her tassle off her hat, I'll use my own. I can't wait to see how they butcher my name. Fun times. Hope my dizzyness doesn't kick in as I'm trying to walk across the stage. That would be embarrassing, but typical. Memorable really.

My mom finally tested my sugar levels last night to see if it might have had anything to do with why I've been so dizzy. I had to get stuck with that stupid needle four times because none of my fingers would bleed. It probably would have been less painful to get a kitchen knife and just jab it into one of my fingers just one time. Anyway, she finally squeezed enough blood out to test and my sugar levels were really high. This morning they were fine though. I guess that just proves there is entirely too much sugar in the sweet tea at Fujis.

If given the chance, I could be asleep in less than thirty seconds right now. Hopefully I won't call someone and fall asleep in the middle of the survey. I need a caffeine IV drip right now. I asked Ron (our snack supplier) but he doesn't carry those. He does however carry plenty of caffeinated sodas...so stupid me buys a coke zero. It has caffeine...as its last ingredient. At least I didn't go up there and get a Sprite.

Music Festival Dos and Don'ts

As promised...Festival Dos and Don'ts by Demetri Martin (that's music festival people...Warped Tour, Weenie Roast, Lollapalooza, etc.) Spin May 2007 issue (I'm just trying to avoid being sued)

1. Master the fine art of Squirreling: Overeat grotesquely in the days before the festival, like a squirrel loadin up for the winter. That way you won't havve to scarf so many $16 gyros once you get there.

2. Don't fight anyone who has more tattoos than you: If two people are fighting the one with the most tattoos usually wins. The exception to this rule is junkies. With junkies, the rule flips. The junkie with fewer tattoos is probably slightly stronger, so bet on him. Also, if someone has a face tattoo, be cool, and do not touch it - unless he commands you to.

3. Bring and throw a beach ball: Music sounds way better when you get clocked in the back of the head with a giant plastic projectile. Plus, the spinning colors look pretty to people who are tripping. It's nice to give a little something back.

4. Don't accept Jesuses: Guys who look like Jesus tend to smell bad. You will find lots of these at summer music festivals, sometimes onstage. Keep a safe distance from any fake Jesus or desciple-looking guy, unless you run out of weed.

5. Establish a radius: Though fiscally sound, camping out amid strangers invites obvious risks. Try to keep a three-foot perimeter around you when sleeping in order to prevent any unauthorized spooning and/or dry humping. Those $16 gyros will certainly make people keep their distance. Also, be sure to look like a living thing when you're sleeping. Someone will be less likely to step on your head.

6. Don't bro down: You should neither associate with anyone who calls people "bro" nor acknowledge anyone who calls you that. Beer will only make these broffenderes worse as the day goes on.

7. But a lot of merch: There is no better place to shop than at a music festival. Everything costs three to seven times what it normally does. Plus, you have no place to put it. Awesome. Buying things you don't need and then carrying them around with you all day is a perfect way to celebrate mindless consumerism, especially if you don't understand things like irony or sarcasm.

8. Don't underestimate the sun: If a fellow festival-goer is happy despite having skin the color of Jack White's pants circa 2003, that means he or she is either drunk or high. So it's probably easier to make out with that person. Just sayin'. Protect yourself with high-SPF sunblock or, failing that, the ranch dipping sauce that came with your chicken fingers.

9. Brings someone pale and/or fancy: Metrosexuals and goths are both poorly equipped for festival life and therefore can be an entertaining addition to any group. Lonley, high-maintenance people + crowded outdoor areas = funny. Wagering on the onset of heastroke is a good way to pass the downtime between bands.

10. Don't stand behind the dick wearing the sombrero: Unless he's playing in a mariachi band on the second stage, no one should attend a concert or a movie or anything wearing a hat that big and stupid. That said, you can use this person as a landmark: "We're ten feet behind the guy with the sombrero."

11. Plan for the porta-potty: Get into the line when you don't have to go, because by the time you get to the front, you will. Once you're inside, apply a binder clip or $40 T-shirt over your nose and try to think about other things, like a meadow or a rain forest, or clouds made out of cotton candy.

12. Don't catch on fire: This will ruin the festival for you. If you catch on efire at any point, stop, drop, and roll. Also, make those devil horns with your hands. It will look as if you're rocking out and ultimately, you will appear pretty cool, evevn while burning.

13. Show your appreciation: People used to hoist lighters at concerts when they liked a song. Now it's cell phones. If you really like a song, go the extra mile by lighting your cell phone on fire and holding it aloft.

14. Don't join a drum circle: Avoid, avoid, avoid the drum circle-we're looking at you, Bonnaroo. Scientists, in two independent studies, recently proved that the drum circle is the most annoying shape civilization has ever produced.

There you have it - hope it brought a tear to your eye, or lots of 'em

Monday and other useless ramblings...

It's monday, which means I'm back at work after an all too short weekend, during which I accomplished nothing. Which is actually what I set out to accomplish, so I accomplished everything! It was exhausting, I need another break.

44 days until Vegas (but who's counting).

Let's see what absured, humerous, or otherwise meaningless things did I encounter/do/watch/read about this weekend? Oh, I know. I went to the movies Friday night to see Next (good movie). It was playing in a very small theater and by the time we got in there it was about full, of all of twenty people. Three people had walked in right in front of us and they started up the isle. They got up an entire two steps and then stopped. They then proceeded to stand there for at least two full minutes debating on which of the five open seats to sit in. I thought I was going to have to yank the girl down the stairs and out of my way by her ponytail. Come on people...I talk to stupid people all day long, I don't need them blocking my way to a seat at the movie theater.

My next paragraph will be a real waste of time, both for myself and you, the reader. Good luck. I hate tomatos. It's taken me 21 years to learn how to spell the word definitely (is it right?). Fiber optics creep me out, not to mention that 99.89% of the time they're tacky. I don't like to stop doing things unless it's on a time that is a multiple of 5 (3:10, 4:25, 8:45) Multiples of 15 are actually the best. I don't like the word beverage or vehicle. It's a drink and a car. I have to add to subtract, I can't do 21 - 4 by counting backwards. Let's see, 4 + 6 is 10, 10 + 10 more is 20, + one more is 21, so the answer is 17. The sound of packing tape makes my skin crawl, I literally want to get up and yank the tape away from whoever is doing it and then hide the tape so they can never find it again. Not ever! I think I have the movie ticket for every movie I've seen at the theater in the past six or seven years. Not sure why. I'm not scared of ants, but I wish they'd all die. I'd love to know why in the past month or so older people have taken a liking to staring at me like I have purple polka-dot hair. The chair I sit in at work is squeaky and it about drives me up the wall. I don't like squeaky things, unless it's a mouse, and then it had better be doing all of its squeaking from inside a cage. I despise Sam's Club. Who wants to be in his stupid club anyway? It's the snobbiest club there is. They won't even let you in the stupid door unless you're in the club, and unless you need 42 pounds of bacon or 821 tires, it's just unnecessary. I have a pen fetish, I have more pens than I could possibly hope to use in a lifetime. If I see one I like, doesn't matter who you are, I'll probably ask if I can have it. I hardly ever resort to stealing! I think I have sensitive ears and tiny lungs. Too much loud noise really hurts my ears and makes me want to cover them with a pillow and I can't hold my breath very long, making me a rather sucky swimmer. I've taken to hitting the snooze button at least four times every morning, see my "about me" section to read why I don't think this is a problem. I used to know my times tables lighting fast, but since I don't tutor 4th graders anymore I'm not sure I could even get through all of them at all. Ringback tones are the stupidest thing invented. Why would I want to pay money for something I will never hear? Do all you people with ringback tones call yourselves often? And as someone who makes a lot of phone calls, I really hate them because 9.5 times out of 10, the music is something I can't stand and I have to suffer through it. Only one hour and seven minutes until I'm off work. Hope no one at work discovers this blog or I'll get fired. What do you call a cow with no legs?....Ground beef! That one cracked me up yesterday, it's still a little funny. It makes me mad that everything these days is written in english and spanish, what kind of a message are we sending by that? "Don't worry about learning our language, we'll do all the hard work and translate everything for you. (Then we'll charge more to cover translation costs)." I want to go to Mexico and see everything in english! Don't rent the movie Resurrected...it's all in Japanese. How can you watch a movie when you're busy reading the plot down at the bottom? Isn't it funny how now when you call someone if they're on the other line a voice comes on and tells you the line is busy? Wasn't the continuous beeping noise good enough? Were people just not getting it anymore? One hour.

I'm going to find some other way to pass the last hour...maybe even with a little work. Oh geez, i think I just called the Beverly Hillbillies.

That time of day...

Well, it's that time of day when I start to get bored and the ringing of the phone begins to lull me to sleep. I've been trying to decide what to blab about, and I still don't know, which is pretty much the essence of blabbing. So I'm perfectly on track!

I'm graduating from Caldwell next Friday. It's about bloody time. It's only taken me four years to get a two year degree. That was my plan all along.

Now I'm going to rant and rave...people are ignorant!!!!!!! Because I have to further explain and elaborate upon the question "Did the staff introduce themselves to you?" Okay, I'm done.

I'll be in Las Vegas in 48 days, but who's counting. On the agenda..."O," Haunted Las Vegas, dinner at Top of the World, lots of rollar coasters, Tournament of the Kings, Chippendales, Hoover Dam, lots and lots of shopping, a little gambling, lots of yummy food, and a day in the desert. Hopefully not on the agenda...getting lost, being mugged, losing luggage, or ending up as a good story line for CSI.

Well, my brain's not flowing (eww) today, so this is all you get...

One last thing - my boss commented on how good my plant looked today (she's the one who gave it to me) I'm glad she wasn't in here a few days ago

Why the south?

A lot of times people (both from the north and the south) ask why I couldn't wait to get down here and will never again leave.

For starters, how about the fact that on May 2nd it's 57 degrees in NH and it's 80 in NC and I'm comfy in a skirt and tank top and can cruise around with all my windows down perfectly content and with a well regulated temperature.

In addition, people are nice here. They don't want to throw you under a bus just because you looked at them or said hello. I call the nastiest people in Virginia, which I consider north now...because they're mean to me. The people in Boone who I call, perfectly pleasant.

Two words...(okay well three) hushpuppies and sweet tea...okay four.

Lower gas prices, yeah it'll still cost you a second mortgage and your first born child, but it's still lower. Maybe just a penny, but I'll take it. After a year of saving those pennies I could buy...a stick of gum.

Many more radio stations. Yeah, you say 'that's a stupid reason' but if you're up north and you're stuck with five radio stations, which all play the same eight songs, you'll see what I mean.

All of my family lives within ten miles of each other. My closest relative in NH was 40 minutes away. Granted, that could happen here, but it hasn't, nor do I think it will. So if my car breaks down and I need help (like that ever happens), or I need an egg (it's happened), or I just want to see my family, I can do that! And quickly! I wouldn't want to drive 40 minutes for an egg. At least I don't think I would. Maybe if I needed it REALLY badly.

My best friend in the world is here. She's been my best friend (in the world) for 14 years and it's nice to see her more than four times a year. Secretly, deep down, we're probably getting sick of each other. But I think it's so far down, we're not even aware yet! Nor will we ever be. We'll only ever find out if one of us gets hypnotized, which I'm doubting will be an event either one of us ever volunteers for. Unless something goes horribly wrong in Vegas next month.

Church. It's right up the street. It's big. I go there. NH...not so much. There's a church every mile and a half here. I find that comforting...silly, but comforting. Probably unnecessary, but comforting.

We actually have four seasons here...well we did until global warming set in. NH has two seasons...black fly and mud. Oh yeah, summer and winter too. Anyway, it's nice to have flowers bloom in April and not have to sit around looking at naked, half-dead trees for three months before that blooming thing kicks in.

Now I feel I should give the north (NH) its dues. The water there is amazing, to drink, whereas here you might as well drink out of a pool. I would swim in any body of water there, but here I'm hesitant to stick a toe in the water. It's also not quite so hot there in the summer, but the cold cold winters sorta balance that out. Snowmobiling. Miss it! Unless I want to illegally snowmobile on the Blue Ridge Parkway I don't get much opportunity for snowmobiling. That and we don't have any anymore. NC is a more populated state, but with all the dang tourists in NH who can tell the difference.

So now that I've clarified that for all of you...well, that's it. I've clarified it for you.